The Renaissance Man

Is it a rebirth?

More a re-invigoration, I think.

I’m moving. Sort of. I guess this blog will still be updated off and on, but most of my activity is going to be here from now on.

It’s a space for us to hang out and talk about music, and all things music related.

Also, the blog title is more specific. I couldn’t keep up with the ‘persona’ (whatever that is) of “raising your game”. My ‘game’ is definitely higher than it was when I started the blog, but I don’t know that I would say the blog is the cause of it.

Something about reverse causality, I think.

Music is where I really love to be.

So there, I’ll post writings about music and music-related things.

Here, I don’t know. Maybe stories about things? They seem to be popular.

But really, I’m going to be hanging out here from now on. You should come with me! You should also follow me on Twitter, here.

A Musing On The Waking Life

[[Excitement-induced insomnia, not the awesome movie.]]

I’m excitable by nature. It’s this quality that makes me think I could never really do something that I am really passionate about.

I’ll now attempt to explain this problem.

When I get excited I have trouble sleeping. When I don’t sleep well (I’ve only recently learned), I don’t function so well. So, when I get excited by the prospect of something (as I am now), I can’t sleep. Then, I am unable/unwilling to do anything towards it the next day.

A Few Examples

A year or so ago, I decided that I was going to be able to compete in the 100th Tour de France. It’s in about four or five years, so I figured it was a reasonable goal. (I’d also just finished It’s Not About the Bike.) Only trouble was, when I’d decided on that goal, I was so excited about it, I couldn’t get to sleep. I was awake all night, and then I went for a ride. Just a short one; half an hour or so. Later that day, having not slept for something like 20 hours, I decided it would be a good idea to go for a slightly longer ride.

Nothing serious happened, but the lack of sleep meant that I crashed when I got home, and slept for so long. After that, I couldn’t really summon the enthusiasm to ride much for a few days. Needless to say, the desire to compete in the 100th Tour de France soon petered out.

I don’t have that desire anymore, well, not really (nor do I have the time to prepare). However, for several years, I have wanted to complete an Ironman triathlon. I am excited about that. Tomorrow I had planned to go for the first ride of my training programme. But, of course, I got excited about that prospect, and now I can’t sleep. (Hence this blog post.)

About eighteen months ago, a friend and I decided on the spur of the moment to take a trip to the Lake District. We were both antsy and filled with wanderlust. So we planned to get the 4am train, as it was a good 5 or 6 hour train ride and we wanted to have a decent amount of time there.

When the plans were made, he went to sleep. He knew that he wanted to have a busy day tomorrow, and so sleep would help prepare him for it. I, on the other hand, stayed up—all night. I was tired all day. I slept on the train for most of the journey. I had planned to read a lot. (I had about four ‘extra-curricular’ books on the go at the time.)

I didn’t do that. I did have fun in the Lake District. I just wish I could have slept for a few hours before we left.

At Christmas time I couldn’t sleep either. Not unusual, perhaps, for a five year old. But me, I stayed awake on Christmas Eve until I was old enough to be drunk. If anyone mentioned ‘the C word’ after about 7:30 at night, I couldn’t sleep. I was just too excited. Until I was about 19 or 20, and felt independent enough to spend Christmas Eve away from family, I couldn’t sleep.

Since then, I’ve been fine—more or less.

Right now, I’m trying to get to the stage where I can’t keep my eyes open. It’s part of Steve Pavlina’s trick for becoming an early riser.

I’ve had a couple of ‘searches’ direct people to this blog on the basis of not being able to sleep the night before a triathlon, so I know it’s not an uncommon problem. However, anything that gets me excited, and that will require some kind of long term, focused commitment keeps me up at night. I remember reading Tony Robbins’ book Awaken the Giant Within (or at least starting it) and being so excited about life that I couldn’t put any of it into practice, because I was too tired!

I sometimes wonder if I’m just wired for self sabotage.

I guess this post wasn’t really about anything in particular. We can’t be helpful all the time, right? What I wanted to do here was try to find a way out of my head. Don’t know if it worked, and I have no control to test it against.

Who Are You?

Turn all this off.

Who are you?

For a minute: don’t think.

Who are you?

Away from your friends.

Who are you?

Away from lovers. Tell me,

who are you?

Take three steps back.

Who are you?

Away from your user IDs.

Who are you?

Away from your Second Life, your digital domain.

And really, who are you?

So you sit all day, at the event horizon. You plug in, lock in, through your fingers, your keystrokes.

But really, who are you?

Defining your life by those around you. Your peers, your elders and betters.

Can you ever know, who are you?

We’re really all the same. Deep down.

But who are you?

Of course if you think too much, well. We all know what happens. You’ll only end up asking yourself:

Who are you?

Marathon Tuesday

On Psychological Blocks

Disclaimer: I haven’t thought about this at all. It’s going to be pretty much a free-write, hit schedule, get on with my day kind of post. Does It Offend You, Yeah?

Onwards:

I seem to have this block at three miles. Over the last few weeks I’ve been running 1 mile a day, 2 miles a day, three miles a day. And then. Nothing. I only ran three miles three days last week. But still.

I seem to have a massive psychological block against running more than three miles. Difficult when, last night, I was talking to Katy about where I want to get my Ironman tattoo. So I want to be able to swim two and a half miles, ride 112 and then run 26.2. And yet, I can’t bring myself to get out of my own way.

I heard someone say something about Lance Armstrong, when he recovered from testicular cancer. The account in his autobiography, It’s Not About The Bike, is harrowing to say the least. But coming out the other side, he was able to win the Tour de France seven times on the trot. That’s impressive.

What this person said was, the cancer allowed him to get out of his own way. He started young, and was a prodigious talent, on behalf of his abnormally large lungs. But he struggled with his ego and personality in competition. He would push too hard early on and then blow up, under-achieving. (Albeit, still achieving more than most!)

The cancer, the proximity to death, the sickness, the destruction of the physical body (especially one as highly trained as Armstrong’s), the debilitating drugs, the poison of chemotherapy. After surviving, he had to reinvigorate himself. He relates a story of going out for a ride on his high-end road bike, after the cancer had gone, and being passed by an overweight woman on a heavy mountain bike.

And yet, within a few months, he was able to be fit enough for the TdF.

Get Out of the Way

This might be one of those things that’s easier said than done, but I think it’s a very powerful message. Your ego (the Resistance) will scare you into thinking that to fail would be terrible. That you would be destroyed without a particular attribute.

What Lance Armstrong’s story shows is that this is not true. Now, while I’m wary of inspiring stories of one individual (because all people are different), I think this is a case where something can be gained. Whether it’s grace under pressure, which Armstrong showed during his treatment. Or humility, which he showed when the cancer went into remission. Or the measured determination that he showed to come back from that terrible disease.

Measured determination is key. My problem is that I have these massive psychological blocks against achieving. Of course, I’m not unique. But I would wager that I’m more unique in admitting it in a place like this. But amongst those groups of people, I think I’m probably not unique in that I can’t listen to my own advice. I don’t seem to be able to break the cycles.

No matter how much I read about and how much it resonates, I can’t get away from these limiting beliefs. I think I’ve figured out most of the causes, but I don’t know what to do about it. And nothing I’ve read, done or practiced seems to have worked. I’m incapable of self-motivation. And I know that I’m not unique in that regard!

Whine, Bitch, Moan

I had a couple of days of funk. The last couple of days, because I want the projects to be finished. I want to be able to run 15 miles. I want to have redrafted In The Lifetime Of Trees. I want to have built my new website/blog. I want to have finished this dissertation.

And yet, I don’t seem to be able to muster the courage or enthusiasm to do that.

Start small, I suppose. But then, I get over-confident, take a big leap, and then collapse in a heap, not ready to take on that responsibility.

—————

I think that will do.

I don’t really know what the purpose of this post was. But it’s been marginally cathartic.

I try to go too high, too far, too soon. I want to see the whole of the moon. And I want it now, daddy! (Two cultural references in one line? Phew!)

I give you The Waterboys:

Being Multi-Talented Makes You Much More Awesomer

I don’t know if it’s low self-esteem, over-attachment to the idea that self-deprecation is a good way to get better at things, or something else entirely, but I sometimes struggle with keeping account of the things I’m good at. (And really, it’s a lot.)

I’m writing this post in response to Emilie’s post on “Why Multipotentialites Rock At Work.”

Particularly this paragraph:

Often we want to appear humble, so we avoid making statements like: “I’m great at the guitar, I’m an awesome web designer, I rock at writing, I wrote a killer spec script for 30 Rock that’s so funny it could easily be a real episode, and I went to one of the top law schools in the country.”

Marathon Tuesday

Today I did my first three mile run. Had to hold off a bit, because I just didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere. But that’s the essence of slow and measured growth. I didn’t feel any fitter. But that was because I hadn’t sufficiently raised my heart rate.

It’s supposed to be elevated for at least twenty minutes. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told. Today was the first day that this was the case. A three mile run in 24 minutes. It was super hard, too, because it’s been crazy windy here for the last few days.

But running along the coast is pretty much the awesomest. I mean, I was running this morning and the waves were splashing against the coastal defenses. Water was squirting up the concrete. The strong wind, blowing along the front and off the sea meant that I got wet. And it was beautiful.

Water is an inspiration to us all, I think. It spends its time being. Without taking umbridge with anything or anyone.

And so I ran, slowly, into the wind. With it blowing in my face, there were times when I felt like giving up, just turning back and walking home. But I didn’t.

I ran all the way out to the head, up the hill, and then…

Down the hill, with the wind, through a HUGE cutting, and back homewards.

To make up the three miles, I had to take a small detour around some houses and up some steep hills, but I feel good. For the first time I have that tired, invigorated feeling.

I love running.

It forces me to connect with nature, and reminds me of the awesome power of simply being.

Be in the moment.

The wind might be in your face now, but soon, it will be at your back. You will be going down hill, and everything will be flowing smoothly. So for now, and only now, enjoy the challenge of wind in your face.

Soon, it will be in your sails.

—————–

I would love for you to put the wind in the sails of this writing. Please tweet or share with everyone you think could benefit from it.

Thanks.

The Way of the Scary

I’ve got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s like there’s something in me pulling me two directions.

I want to do this degree. I love learning, and I love the idea of learning for a living. But I have this creative part of me that wants to make awesome things. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to do something real.

I’ve been reading the blogs of all these great people, wishing that I really had the guts and the courage of my convictions to step up and say “this is what I want to do!”

Truth is, I really don’t know. I want to go and live in the woods. Possibly with Carwin and Chase. I wish I had Thoreau’s courage. But the truth is, right now, I’m in a place where I’m comfortable, and having fun.

Life is too short to be concerned with what might happen in the future. The only moment we can experience is this one. (Or this one.) Life should be about experiences.